


We Said Goodbye but Our Hearts Did not Hear

by mcgarrygirl78



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, F/M, Missing Scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-20
Updated: 2017-07-20
Packaged: 2018-12-04 11:07:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11553918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: “You give it everything but it’s not an entity, not a person.  It doesn’t owe you anything.”





	We Said Goodbye but Our Hearts Did not Hear

**Author's Note:**

> I said I would never write fanfiction again. But I was on YouTube and ended up watching the scene where Ed and Olivia actually broke up, even though I swore I never would. Then the next day I was listening to Mr. Big’s Just Take my Heart, which is one of their songs and Ed started speaking to me. I decided to take a listen. The title comes from the Celine Dion song, Only One Road. Listen to it and tell me you don't hear Tuckson.

“Take care of yourself, Olivia Benson.”

He took his coat from the rack and put his hand on the door knob. Ed was slow to turn it and walk out of the apartment. He didn’t expect anything dramatic; this wasn’t the movies. The truth was that his body was breaking down on him. He had to get to the other side of that door before the floodgates opened completely and he lost it. 

She was watching him…he could feel Liv’s eyes burning a hole in his back. With a deep sigh, Ed pulled open the door and walked out. He threw his coat over his arm, walking down the hall toward the stairs. Liv was on the third floor of a four story building. Rarely did they bother with the elevator. It was a bit of a death trap anyway. 

Down one floor, on the second floor landing, Ed leaned on the wall. He felt it happening. There wasn’t a damn thing he could do to stop it. He gripped his stomach; the waves of nausea churning like a rowboat in a hurricane.

“Ed!” 

He heard his name, it sounded frantic but far away. His heart was beating so loud in his ear that he was surprised he heard anything.

“What!” he didn’t mean to sound so angry or defensive. It was how he felt but he didn’t mean to sound that way. That, and nauseous…Ed Tucker didn’t think he'd been so nauseous in his life.

“I'm sorry.” Liv was rushing down the stairs as he quickly wiped the tears from his face.

“I know you are, Liv.” Ed bent to pick up his coat. He didn’t realize it had fallen on the floor by his feet.

“I just…it’s so…”

“Yeah.” He cleared his throat and nodded. “Everything you said was true. I didn’t want to face it but it’s still true. I just don’t give a good goddamn.”

“I can't change who I am.”

“You refuse to change who you are. There is a difference.”

“I'm a lousy partner.” She reasoned.

“That is patently false. Look, maybe we should've never gotten so intimately involved. We have a sketchy history and it’s a lot to wade through. Maybe I'm not worth accommodating.”

“You don’t believe that.”

“That’s what you said, or didn’t say, every time I got too close. It’s alright.” Ed sighed. “No, it’s not alright. It hurts like hell.”

“I'm hurting too.” Liv said.

“I understand that. I need to leave.”

“Don’t go.” Liv reached out for him, letting her hand linger, not quite touching him.

“Go, don’t go; I'm running in circles Liv and I'm nauseous as hell. Either I'm worth it to you or I'm not. I will accept whatever answer you give but you have to have an answer.”

“You're worth it, I'm just not sure I can do it. I love Noah, and…”

“I love Noah. I love Noah with all my heart and you know that. You had Noah when this started. I told you that being a part of his life was just as important to me as being a part of yours. I'm not just losing you tonight.”

“My job…”

“Will leave you with nothing.” Ed said. It was hard to hide the disdain in his voice. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t made more than a few sacrifices for the NYPD. He couldn’t name on one hand what he'd ever gotten in return. “You give it everything but it’s not an entity, not a person. It doesn’t owe you anything.”

“It’s a calling.”

“You realize there are people out there who have callings without isolating themselves from the entire world around them? You give too much because you want to. You refuse to push for more because it’s too hard. It’s hard for all of us.”

“How long have you been waiting to say that?” Liv crossed her arms.

“Now comes the part where you get angry with me and use that anger to justify our breakup. Don’t bother Liv, its already done.”

“I'm not angry at you. I'm just angry.”

Ed nodded. It was time to go so he put on his coat. It was past time to go.

“Can we just…can I call you next week? Maybe we can…I don't know…”

“You don’t ever want to be the bad guy and I guess that’s commendable. But I have two choices Liv; either I stay or I go. And that’s not to put pressure on you. This is about me, because remember there are two of us in this. I am a man with a heart and feelings; I don’t want to stick around hoping when you just make the same decision six weeks from now. I can’t devote myself to loving you and Noah only to walk away empty handed at the end of the day.”

“I don’t want to lose you.” she shook her head. “I'm tired of losing.”

“The two aren’t the same. You have to figure out what that means and what you need. I can’t tell you, no matter how much we both might want me to. I’ll tell you what I know; I love you. I love you so much that my chest is cracking open and I'm standing in front of you holding the gaping wound together with both hands. 

“But my love isn't enough because if it were we wouldn’t be having this conversation. I don’t want to pontificate or negotiate what I mean to you, Liv. I think you’ve already done that. It might be tough. You might be the bad guy this go round. But your decision is already made. We’ll always have Paris; I promise.”

“Just let me work some things out.” This time Liv did take his hand. “I'm not saying it’s going to work but…”

“You always know where to find me.” Ed slipped his hand out of hers and put it in his pocket. “You need to go back upstairs. With recent developments, Noah could be doing an Amanar off the fridge right now.”

“Oh God,” Liv looked up the stairwell. “I’ll call you. We’ll have coffee soon, maybe dinner.”

“I think we should walk away now. Words can't express how much it hurts me to say that but I think we've both been avoiding the inevitable. You're never going to be ready. I'm sorry about that. I love you so, so much.”

“I love you too. Why can't I make this work if I love you too?”

Ed didn’t have an answer for that. He didn’t have an answer for any of it. At the time it was all happening, he told himself getting involved with Olivia Benson was a bad idea. He'd known her for about 12 years. Not intimately, they weren't even friends, but he knew her. 

His foolish heart barreled right over his head and didn’t look back. Ed repressed or ignored yellow flag after yellow flag. This ending wasn’t coming as a surprise; the only surprise was that his rational mind hadn’t kicked in and ended it months ago. Nothing was the same after Paris. They'd made such headway and the trip that was supposed to cement their relationship was the first cannonball to its foundation. 

Not that there hadn’t been plenty of cracks in the façade. And Mike Dodds’ death was a blow that no one would fully recover from anytime soon. So walking away now was best for his sanity. You couldn’t love stronger, work harder, and want more than your partner and expect success. 

Ed hated the idea of losing Noah, losing Liv, and losing his heart. There was good reason he'd waited so long to share it again. Nothing could ever make him say that he gave it to the wrong person. It was the wrong time and with the two of them, there may never be a right time. A clean break was the best they could do.

“I have to go. Goodbye, Liv.”

Ed finished his walk down the stairs. He knew she would make her way upstairs and check on Noah. He was probably sound asleep but at that age one could never be sure what they could get into. It was freezing outside and Ed didn’t have his hat or gloves. That wasn’t normal but he had gone to Liv’s under different circumstances. That was the core of his relationship with Liv…different circumstances. Reality was setting back in; the bubble bursting. It was over and better to let the pain flow and move on.

At the corner, he hailed a cab and climbed in. Ed gave his Hell’s Kitchen address before leaning back and closing his eyes. All he could see was Noah saying goodbye. He could hear it in Noah’s little voice, still struggling to get Tucker just right. 

It would be the last thing they would ever say to each other. Would Noah ask about him? Would Liv brush those questions off? How long would it take the toddler to forget about the police captain’s existence altogether? Sighing, holding off more emotions, Ed pulled the smart phone from his back pocket and looked through the address book.

‘ _You’ve reached Olivia Benson. Leave a message and I’ll get back to you. Thanks_.’ **BEEP!**

“We should have coffee and talk. We can talk like friends, like before we started whatever we started. I don't know what we’re going to do, baby, but it hurts me too much to know we won't be a part of each other’s lives. Forgive my weakness but you’re my weakness. Call me. Bye.”

He was holding his phone when it began to vibrate, just ten minutes after he left the voicemail. Nothing was going to stop him from answering it. His goddamn heart was barreling over his head all over again.

***


End file.
